Mere's Pumba

Things are tight.  Jobs, money and wits.  Many of us here at work have been holding our breath to find out what the great board of education gods have decided for us.  Will we have a job next year?  This all translates into: Will I be able to pay my mortgage next year?  My health insurance?  Its the reality of the times we live in.  Its a reality of the world.  Starting to turn blue

I found this painting by Alma a few months after Dexter was board an I thought it was fitting...my bright light of a little man
Taken on: Wednesday, April 13. 2011
Copyright:

Now that we have the Zigote post I have not even thought about my own blog.  I have baby brain.  Yup, I basically have forgotten all details to life that except how bad I am feeling.  On top of the morning sickness lately I now have a rather nasty head cold (as of right now crossing fingers) and hoping it does not move into my chest.  So if you can imagine, I have no mind for any other details in my life.  It makes me sad a bit considering that in the past I worked very hard to get the details right and now...its kind of like "who cares, and oh well"  and honestly most of the time I don't even catch that I missed a detail.  So on the flip side of this baby making thing I have started to be a neglectful friend, wife and child.  Honestly, I don't mean to but it just seems to keep happening.  Time is moving quick and yet slow at the same time.  My days just slide into one and another from waking up (and 6am comes early these days) to work then right back home to just want to be comfortable and sleep.  Its becoming apparent that the sleep option is slowly excaping my grasp... so if you can imagine, I live is this strange time warp.  

So much in my life is changing and on the cusp of changing forever.  I almost wonder sometimes if me living in my hermit like state is to try to keep a grasp on other times.  Times where I am able to just sit on the couch with a blanket and zone out and sleep.  Times where I listen to all the audio books I want because I have the time and quite.  Times where there is no chaos yet.  Looking at these thoughts now it seems as though I am trying to enjoy my last bit of "mere time" for a few years.  Things are wonky.  As Devo would say, "Is that a technical term?"  In the Meredith vocabulary it is.  Just lots to think about.

I'm a lucky girl.  To state it simply, I am a lucky girl.  This afternoon I went to a co-workers house with a friend to deliver our best attempts at comfort during  horrible time for her.  She has just lost one of her children in a car accident.  We waded your way through the masses of people hunkering down in her home and supporting each other.  As we looked around we saw the piles of food that have been brought to them just as we have, grasping at our only way to help, feed.  How do you comfort one during this time, just being there and having a casserole and a hug.   Situations like this really help to put things in perspective.  Its so easy to get caught up in the little bits of life and all the glitches we deal with to forget perspective of the big picture.  

I look back at my own senior year in high school that just happens to be the same school this young teen attended.  I too experienced a very scary and unforgettable car accident during this time and the events of the past few days has brought it back into my vision.  How did I get through that?  How did walk away from that?  Why did I walk away from that?  You can get yourself lost in the "whys" so I have never really thought about it but today I indulged.   I would not have made the amazing and wonderful friends that have brought great color to my life.  I would not have meet my most outstanding husband and that alone almost brings me to tears.  The warmth of the sun and cool breeze through my hair, the smell of maple syrup boiling and Dad's pipe tobacco.  I was lucky and walked away from my accident but these two girls were not.  I wish their families peace and strength. 

Long time no write:


Life is good. Life is great. Life is grand. I have to admit that I
am totally in my element these days even when I don't want to admit
it. As much as I love teaching I have truely enjoyed being at home.
Under different cercumstance it would not be so great but this vacation
has been spend digging in the dirt...and that can be applied to many
different things....


On the first day of summer vacation I found myself up to my elbows in
soil as I created a new flower bed. Now I know that sounds pansy (he
he), but really unless you have made a large flowerbed and have
experienced the work and love that goes into it you really don't know.
Poor Devon came home and was in fear of what I had gotten my hands
in...you see last year on the first day of summer break I pulled a
celling down, so you can imagine. To his suprise it was ONLY a flower
bed.

Now, I am sure that some of you are like...ummm boring, totaly not
worth reading this blog, and I get that because a few years ago I would
have been the same way. However, I love getting dirty (I'm a dirty
bird)...I love kicking off my shoes and tossing the gloves and getting
into it ( totally a Tauras). There is something wholesome about it,
the smell of the soil the squish between my toes...somthing real. Its
simple, and there is an energy that I get from it that is
undescribable. There is something beautiful that happens when you grow
plants. Veggies or flowers, it just blows my mind that something so
grand can come from a tiny seed and the basic elements. I mean its
magic! There seems to be no better way of describing it, and yes I
know the whole deal of how it really works, but honestly it blows my
mind!

We have a beautiful veggie garden! Last year was our first year with a veggie garden and we froze lots of our produce. This year we are taking it the next step! We are getting into canning and jamming. I know total dorks. Yup thats us. We did your first jamming experiment on blueberry jam about two weeks ago now...and I do have to admit that we sang, Jammin by good old bob the the whole time There is a longer story that is attached to my need to grow and harvest with my own two hands but that is for another time.

I have so much more I wish to share with you but I really need to get on the laundry...yikes! Yup and I will be hanging that out on the line (crossing fingers) hoping that I can get dry before the rain.

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Ahhh summer vacation...its a beautiful thing but at the same time this year I did not wish it to be so.  In the past esp as a child I had wished the school year along for the lazy warm days of summer.  This year I found myself delightfuly happy with my school year and overjoyed with the staff I work with, so there was no need to wish it away.  Or perhaps I am growing up...nope that can't be it.  It could be because health wise I have been able to start figuring out some things, some things that have hightened my need for peace.  

My first day was spent visiting some of the local nurserys purchasing fun perrenials for my summer jobs.

Last Wednesday I had my final class at ADK Yoga for the Mindfulness Based Theropy program.  It was bittersweet saying goodbye to everyone.  The sweetness is that I have learned so much and gained some amazing tools to use for my anxoity.  The bitter is that it has ended and I worry about being able to follow through on my own.  During the class the phrase "you have planted a seed...it can only grow" was used over and over...but what helped the most was that she focused on the fact that we have been teaching our brain to process things differently over the past 6 mos...there is no stopping the our new prcessing...it is now part of us.  That was reashuring. 

October brought with it cool weather, less daylight and steriods.  This past fall has been a difficult one for my lungs and of course as soon as I feel like something is different breathing wise my anxoity kicks in.  SO then I am asking myself...is this how I am really feeling or is it just amplified by my anxoity?  Now, basicaly I am just freaking out inside.  A constant battle.

A month ago I came down with a nasty head cold that moved into my chest triguring my asmtha and some very nasty gooooo.  Trying to be proactive I got myself medicated with antibotic and preganazone, this happens every year at this time...yuck.  My alergist belives that it is connected to the pressure change at that time of year....humm intereting...but a pain. 

Week two into the meds I was not feeling any better, infact the asmtha heavyness in my chest was worse.  Back to the dr and of course the meds are twiked and upped.  Up until this past Friday I thought all was well...but not so much...I am fustrate and ready to pull out my hair. 

I have been investigating my own influence on this all...what am I consuming that could be effecting my meds?  I have a sneeky suspission that some of the vites I take could be interacting with it.  Last night was my first attempt at switching up my vite regument....I shall have to wait and see.  But I am hoping that this will do the trick. 

Yesterday was a hot and sticky day and also Emily's 2nd birthday.  The kid is so tall you would think that she was going on 4.  Her verbal skills are high as well and her face and belly are covered in purple frosting.  I meet up with her and her Mom whom I used to work with at the ARC at a little swimming hole in Morrisonville.  This is a hidden treasure on its own.  Its a swimming hole that is spring fed and only 4 ft deep.  As I joined the party there were about 3 other two year olds there, a handful of three yearolds and a couple of other kids.  First off I think its great that these parents are all friends with kids arround the same ages to play with and to have to grow with. 

I took a moment and looked arround as I sat my legs in the big spring.  Most of these families are people that I have worked with at the ARC so I am familar with some of their backgrounds.  They did not have easy childhoods esp my friend Monica.  Here they were being amazing parents using great behavior mangement and working on instint.  They had not read the thousands of parenting books or taken behavior mangement classes but it all came naturaly.  It was beautiful.  I loved that I witnessed before my eyes cycles being broken and strong families growing.  It was very cool.  I love that people can grow and overcome enormous challanages.  Of couse as everyone headed out Monica cornered me, "so thinking of starting a family soon.." I responed with a nod...then "so thinking of starting a family ever?"...I had to just laugh, who knows only time will tell. 

Rollen out of town....

Because thats how I roll:  I'm packen up my bags and heading out of the homsted for a few weeks to visit family and soak up some sun.  First off I am heading to the Finger Lakes to visit my Grandmothers who are both in their eirly EIGHTIES, <>.  When I was just a weee one every summer I would spend most of my summer if not a couple weeks at Keuka Lake bounching between my two sets of granparets.  So you can imagine that Keuka Lakes is like a second home to me with special memories and magical places.  As I grew older things are inevetable, things change and people leave.  Slowly the hillsides covered with vinyards were weeded down and over the past few years they have started to return.  During that time my own Grandfathers vinyard dissappered and the farm had to be sold.  Now that I am getting older myself and the gray hair sneeks into my dark brown mop I find new mysteries and enchanting elements to the Keuka Lake area.  On my Fathers side of the family they have lived in the area pre-civil war erra.  We drive arround the hilly area and my Aunt can point out the old barns that have seen better days and state, "your great, great grand father built and put the roof on that barn"...ancient..."the old house used to be there but it bunt down before your grandmother was born"....I am shown piles of photos from the turn of the century and people are pointed just as if I had known them my whole life, however they walked this earth 80 years prior to me.  Its wild and only feeds into love for history and the past.  When I went to visit both sets of Granparents during the summer there were no kids for me to play with being the only granddaughter and sometimes Seth was arround but in the later years he was busy with wrestling and life.  So my Grandparents friends were our friends and sadly over the years their numbers are starting to dwindle and it kills me to see them and realize that the year that has passes was not kind to them and the realization that duing my next visit they may no longer be with us and the lunch table will have one less chair.  It just breaks my heart to think about it because its not just losing your grandparents but add on your adopted ones and the pain aches just a little more.  Sadly, sometimes I try not to think about it at all.  Then I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things they brought to my life and what a lucky child I was to have them part of it.  Marge taught me how to swim.  Marge was in her 60's when she would take me down the rikety stairs to the shale covered beach below where I used to look for little tiny shells and we would wade through the muck and seaweed to the fresh wonderful Keuka water and our lessons would begin. Marge grew up in a strict quaker home as a child and had a child out of wedlock and of course at that time it was totaly tabo.  The child was not aloud to eat with the others and had to stay in the kitchen and as years past she soon found out that her child was disabled.  I want to say that he didn't have a long life but she loved him dearly.  Marge plowed on and excelled in sports but once again during that time period women didn't play sports unless it was certin sports.  Marge was for many years the sicronized swimming coach for Keuka Collage and became head of the Atheletics department prior to her retirment.  She is a strong lady and I will never forget our swims and watching her ancient hands making cherry pie in her litle cottage.  But times change and people get older, her and her husband Phill don't live on the lake in the little cottage anymore because it became too much for them.  Last I saw the two of them their bodies were fighting them hard and things did not look good.  I have always looked up to Marge and her innner strength and I hope to be a woman with half of her integrety.  My second week of my travels will be in Mass. sitting on the beach reading and vegging out with my Beach Aunts.  Another one of my childhood traditions.  **I have to just say that I have a wonderful family and I know that I am lucky and many folks never get to experience this.**  Two years ago my Aunt started up agin our traditon of going to the the beach and planting ourselves for days reading, eating lobster/steemers, and now that I am older lots of drinking. I look forward to this all year and can't wait to wiggle my toes in the sand....but my fave thing to do is to roll down the windows of my car the closer I get to the coast and for the first hint of ocean in the air....ummmm thats summer to me.  Devon laughs at me when I tell him that.."yumm rotting ocean things", he is right but for some reason I love it but I must remember he did not have the childhood I did...where each year you spend a week at the beach playing in the sand and water until you have too much sand in your suit and then you make the painful walk home.  Good times I will not be checking my email during this time let alone my Facebook or Myspace but I plan on still writing and I will try to get it in one of my two blogs when I get back.  Have a great two weeks, I am heading for water. Mere

There is alot on my mind these days...considering that I am on vacation and my brain is turned off from my career....for the first time in years. 

Children:  Not sure if I want them, not sure.  Some moments its seems right and others, I really enjoy my independence.  Devo and I chatted about it here and there but its not a reasonable option at this point in time, perhaps a few years from now.  If it happens it happens.  However thats not what has been most difficult, its the stage in our lifecycle where a majority of my peers are having children including my good friends.  I am quite out of the loop when it comes to babies and raising a child and sometimes it feels like I am excluded because I don't have a child in tow.  I understand how important and consuming raising a child is and please belive me I respect and honer that above all.  I just miss some of my friends and I would love to share some of the experience with them, the huge life altering experience.  I guess its just hard for me to understand because all of the other triles of life it was never an issue but now I am feeling a bit isolated and I am not planning on having any babies soon.  I guess just chuck it up to another life experience where friends go differnt directions for different needs, it just saddnes me because I am still here for them. 

Camp Stupid Americans came, saw and particapted in being dirty hippies.  2007 ended up being a pretty chill year at Falcon Ridge (FRFF).  Devo attended this year civilian and skipped out on being a volunteer.  Due to the gravity of our past year with him needeing to take time off for our new house, parents illness, and a family death he had run out of personal time let alone time to decompress.  So he took this summer off from heading down a week eirly for do the volunteer work and cooking for our whole camp.  It was healthy for him. 

We headed down for Wednesday this year and for me that was eirlest I have ever been at the Ridge and honestly I wondered if it was going to be a little too much for me but it turned out to be fine.  Its always a challange whenever you are put into a living situation with a crew of people you don't really know but for the first time ever at the Ridge it was about Devo and I spending time together.  You see in the past we both kind of went different directions and did things together however this I would have to say was the year out of my 4 that we spent the most time together. 

The music was great of course and every year I find some fun band or person that I just fall in love with and neeeeed their music.  I love learning new music.  I was a good girl and recived NO sun burn this year, aquired a few super fun necklesses and the super-coolest middle eastern jinggly hip belt!  Wooo hoooo!  It was a good trip.  No major drama for your momma but sunday night at Mom's place we crashed. 

County Fair:

We went to see a local band play the opening of our county fair and rilled up a crew to go.  The Glengarry Bhoys play celtic music and it was great seeing our small community jiving to some differnt tunes.  One of the big reasons I wanted to go is to beef up for Falcon Ridge Folk Fest that is only a mear 6 days away now!  Woooo hooo and the Glengarry Bhoys just happen to be playing there as well.  To be honest, aside of the the music the people watching was super fun.  I love looking arround and seeing the others lives. 

As the fiddle rang and everyone clapped and moved to the beat I noticed a little purple cowboy hat bobbing up and down.  I looked closer and its a chubby little girl in a bright pink ruffle skirt, neon green tshirt and a fun purple cowboy hat that lights up!  I giggled.  I didn't laugh because she looked silly or I thought this child is stupid but she looks just like I did at the age of 5.  Dark brown thick hair and just a little chub excepet she was doing and wearing what I dreamed of at that age.  Bright fun clothing and a blinky hat!  How wonderful!  The best part however was that she danced down there like noone was looking...she was blissfull in her world dancing, singing, and tipping her hat. 

I suppose that I always wanted to do that...to let loose like that as a kid but it was frowned on.  So I would have worn the shorts that I hated and my parents would have never thought of buying such a frivelous hat...let alone one that lighted up!  Am I less of a person for not doing that or having the hat?   Are my parents bad parents for that type of parenting styple?  No not at all, but for some reason it pulled up thoes memories and remindes me of where I have come from.  It also reminds me of that energy that I hold in myself and that today I chose that...and I try to remember that when I am doing lessons and my audiance. 

I smiled and listned to the music watching her loving life.  Her mother stood next to her and just let her play.  No one got hurt and the purple cow girl had the night of her life...and prob slept great that night.  I imagine that if I ever have a daughter that she would look very simmilar and have a pair of sparkley cowboy boots to match!

**UPDATE** Last night when speaking to my mom I told her the story of the purple cowboy hat and my mom giggled and stated, " Awww that was you".

Summer Brezzzzz:

I pulled myself out of bed this morning and forced myself to wiggle into the mega sports bra from hell for large chested girls and into some clothes.  I have been trying to go for a walk in the AM and honestly I really have not explored my new area considering that we arrived in the winter. 

This AM I went up a local road only just down the road from us off of the super busy RT 3.  I moved long the country road passing very cuierous holsteens who looked like they were saying, "Hey Norma, who is the new chick...." that chewed and stared.  My eyes follow the wire post fence as I move along the road passing the cows and now a shady strech with no homes and the pleasent smell of spruce and evergreens.  Umm that scent brings back memories of days at summer camp, camping with parents and nights out in tents as a kid. 

An elderly man passes me on the right who has a brisk stide and a american flag band-danna on his head who say good morning and asks how my day is...and for some strange reason I beleave that he means it.  My mind drifts too wonder if he served in our military and defended our country during a much different time in our history, a time when women waited and supported their men from afar doing their part at home...when America was proud and honored their men.  I suddenly remember the news story I watched moments before on the monring news about and the debates about our current situation in Iraq and it just saddens me everytime. 

Up, up the steep hill I push, to the stop sign where hit my half way point.  A fast paced female walker passes me on the other side giving me a reashuring smile that lets me know that she is all to familar with the incline.  She looks like this is not unlike any other day and I can tell that she means bussiness by her squishy "walking shoes". 

Stop sign.  Time to head back. 

Sunday Drivers: 

"Mere, Do you realize that we ARE the old people out driving arround on a Sunday?"...."Yep Devo we are".  After feeling a bit meloncolly Devo and I headed to Franklin Falls where my Father has a camp on part of Taylor Pond.  During the summer if you can not find my Father and my step Mother its a good guess that they are at camp.  Assuming that they would be there, we headed to the camp nestled in the big woods on the river between two ponds.  Devo was armed with his new camera and I with a rain jacket to only find out that they were not arroud.  It was find considering that the rickety dock and adk chair were still there and called my name.  Devo spent most of his time there on photo safari and I perched in the adk chair that really is not that comfortable.  Eventualy we both made our way to the ageing dock where the row boat squeeked on the dock and the water lapped on its sides.  We spent prob close to an hour laying on the warm wood of the dock staring up at the sky, or at least it felt like it.  Different shapes moved by above and the sound of wind in the trees filled our ears.  I love it when you are somewhere and all you can hear is the trees...its beautiful and some how cleansing of all the other horrific noise you are exposed to in the post-modern world.   The lapping of the water, the groun of the boat, the wind in the trees and rustling the grass...and the ability to lose youself in the atmospher.  This is therapy to me. 

During our visit I comment a few different times on my desire for living fulltime in this type of place but not so feasable...and I know that soon we will return to our home with all the noise of the fast road and the hum of the A/C.  Once at home, we snuggle on the day bed on our new porch.  We some how brought a bit of it back with us.